


Hammer Time! Aka Let's Die Hard This...

by Ninjababe



Series: There's no such thing as too much BAMF [1]
Category: Deadpool - All Media Types, Marvel Cinematic Universe, Spider-Man - All Media Types
Genre: Crack, I Don't Even Know, I'm Bad At Titles, M/M, Not Beta Read, everyone is a BAMF
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-03-07
Updated: 2016-03-07
Packaged: 2018-05-25 08:53:32
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 3,802
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6188158
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ninjababe/pseuds/Ninjababe
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Trying the door and finding it locked, he shrugged. Using more force, he broke the doorjamb and opened the door. Going around the desk, he looked down at the semi-conscious figure there with duct tape holding his wrists. "Huh, Tony Stark."</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I went away last weekend, and during the four hour drive there and back, I mentally wrote three-fourth of this story. Hopefully, it'll make you giggle as much as it did me...

Peter Parker sometimes thought he should make a complaint about Hammer Tech security. It was too easy to sneak around. He had scoped out the full security set up his first week of working here, and nothing had changed since. 

'Good thing I don't care about corporate espionage. The higher ups may have cleared the building, again, I am not letting another experiment go to waste. Why the hell did I take this job anyway? Oh yeah, it was the only one with a moderately good salary. Even if the company is owned by an ignoramus, and the boyfriend refuses to even think of using Hammer Tech.'

He paused when he heard a small groan from a nearby office. "Hello?" he called out softly.

Trying the door and finding it locked, he shrugged. Using more force, he broke the doorjamb and opened the door. Going around the desk, he looked down at the semi-conscious figure there with duct tape holding his wrists. "Huh, Tony Stark."

=====

"I'm positive that you're not supposed to be here," Tony heard as he woke up. Blinking his eyes open, he stared up at the young man peering down at him. 

Leaning down, the brunette effortlessly helped Tony stand up as he continued. "It's a good thing I ignored the security memo because I refused to let my experiment be ruined... Again. And, it's still going to be ruined." Blinking, the man muttered a small curse. "I didn't check for brain or spine damage. Oops."

"I'm fine," Tony replied, his words slightly slurred. "I was drugged."

"And, looks like you're still coming off it," the man said with a sigh. Pulling a pocket knife out of one of his lab coat pockets, he quickly cut the duct tape around Tony's wrists. "I'm Peter Parker."

"Tony Stark," Tony replied.

"Obviously," Peter said with a 'd'uh' look. "It's kind of hard not to know who you are. Now, we need to keep moving before security shows up."

Tony staggered a few steps. "I need to get out of here."

"Again, obviously," Peter replied. "We need to get to my locker."

"You have a weapon or something?" Tony asked, using a wall to hold himself up. 

"Or something," Peter stated as he led Tony down a dimly lit hallway. After cocking his head for a moment, he quickly pushed Tony into a darkened office and pulled the door almost closed.

A few moments later, Peter muttered, "Coast is clear, but I think they're about to find you gone."

Then, the alarm went off.

"Yep," Peter continued. "Now, we run!"

A few halls blurred by before they skidded to a halt. "Here we are," Peter stated as he pulled the door open. "And, I must say, security here sucks even more than I thought since we got here without seeing a single guard, even with the alert." Shutting the door behind the two of them a few moments later, he strode across the employee locker room and opened his locker. Pulling out a small, zipped bag with a thin strap, he pressed his left thumb into the overly large zipper pull. After hearing the light 'click', he pulled open the zipper. Reaching in, he pulled out a cell phone.

"A phone? We went deeper into Hammer territory for a phone?!"

Ignoring the billionaire, Peter pressed the auto-dial and put the phone to his ear. A few moments later, he started talking. "Hey babe! Yeah, I'm going to be late tonight. You were right. My boss is the ultimate idiot. He had Tony Stark kidnapped. Yes, I do have to help him get out of here. It doesn't matter what that douchebag of a interviewer said when I applied at SI. Just wanted you to know that I was going to be late. No, Wade, I don't need help. I'm sure there's going to be a few hours of questions when we get out of here, and I just didn't want you to worry. Love you, bye!"

Turning the phone off, he turned back to Tony. "Now, we can get out of here. Have a plan? Or shall we wing it?"

"You had us go away from the exits to reassure your boyfriend?!"

"We really don't want Wade here. He'll make the situation a hundred times worse. It's better to let him know now so he doesn't show up."

Tony just blinked in disbelief.

"Did I break you?" Peter asked, cocking his head. "Wow, I broke the great Tony Stark! Score!"

"Give me your phone," Tony insisted, holding his hand out.

Peter shrugged and handed the phone over.

Tony typed a number in from memory and waiting for the three tones that signified that the call had connected. "JARVIS, it's me. Codeword Snicker Snack Ninety Nine. Tell whoever is around that I've been kidnapped by Justin Hammer and am currently at..." He paused to get the address from Peter. After repeating the address into the phone, he hung up and handed it back to its owner.

Peter put his phone into a pocket, zipped his bag shut, and stuck the strap over his shoulder.

"And, what do you do for a living?" Tony asked.

Peter blinked. "What, conversation to pass the time?"

"Why not," Tony shrugged.

"I'm a bio-chemist," Peter replied, smoothing down his lab coat.

"So, you obviously have a brain," Tony said, "Why work for Hammer Tech?"

Peter glared. "It was the best job I could get. I wanted SI, but Stark Industries declined my application because I didn't go to a good enough school. Supposedly, anything but an ivy league school need not apply."

"I'll have to look into that," Tony muttered to himself.

"You do that," Peter replied. "So, now what?"

Tony didn't get to answer as Peter's phone started to softly talking in Yoda's voice about answering the phone is his destiny. Peter quickly answered the phone before handing it to Tony. "It's for you."

"This is Tony Stark." 

'Stark, it's Coulson. Are you secure for the next ten minutes?'

Tony turned to Peter. "Is this a good place to wait for ten minutes?"

Turning to the door with a shrug, Peter turned the lock shut, then started to push the set of lockers beside the door in front of the closed door. "It is now. Probably..."

"We're secure," Tony replied into the phone.

'Barton will be there in ten,' Coulson replied before hanging up. 

Tony handed the phone back to Peter just as the phone started to vibrate. "Hey babe," Peter replied. "No, there wasn't a vibration in my pocket, and yes I'm happy to hear from you. We've got SHIELD and/or Avengers coming to rescue us, so no need to come down here. Yes, I'm sure. I'm very sure. Sure enough that you need to go buy tacos for dinner. Bye."

Tony just stared for a few moments before stating, "You're insane. And, so is your boyfriend."

Peter just grinned in reply. A few minutes later, the phone started calling out in Yoda's voice again. After answering it, he handed the phone to Tony. "You, again."

"Yeah?" Tony asked.

'So, I'm on my way,' Clint Barton replied. He paused and Tony could hear the thump of a body hitting the floor. 'Is there a reason Deadpool is a few buildings down, pacing and ranting to himself?'

"Deadpool? Why the hell would he be here?" Tony asked, surprised.

"What?" Peter asked, his eyes wide. Shaking his head and sighing, he made 'grabby' motions. "Give me my phone."

Tony's retort was interrupted by Barton stating he was outside their location. "Our back-up's here, open the door."

"Then, give me my phone," Peter replied as he pushed the lockers out of the way of the door and unlocked it.

He tossed the phone back to Peter as the door slowly opened. Both he and Peter stood quietly while the doorway slowly showed an arrow, followed by a bow, then followed by Barton.

"We ready to go, ladies?" Barton asked with a smile.

"Yeah, sure," Tony replied. "Hawkeye, Parker. Parker, Hawkeye."

"Hey," Peter said with a distracted wave as he was re-dialing his phone and putting it to his ear. A few moments passed before the call connected. "So, why aren't you buying tacos? Uh huh... Last I heard, your favorite taco stand isn't on the roof of buildings, but at street level. I have my ways. Okay, fine. You were spotted by SHIELD. Told you it was fine."

Barton and Tony shared a look. "Who is he talking to?" Barton asked.

"His boyfriend apparently," Tony replied as he experimentally pushed at the lockers that Peter had twice moved easily. "Who is also... Deadpool?"

"Really," Barton said with raised eyebrows.

Smiling softly and shaking his head, Peter put his phone away. "Shall we get out of here? I'm going to leave my letter of resignation on the way out."

"You're dating Deadpool," Barton stated.

"Not that it matters, but yes," Peter replied, trying to get the other two to start moving why making 'shooing' motions. "Can we get out of here now?"

"You know he's dangerous, right?" Tony added.

Peter sighed. "Later, alright?"

Barton shrugged and lead the two the way he came. After a few twists and turns, they were at the front lobby. Where a robot the size of the Hulk waited.

"I did not need this today," Peter groaned as he again pulled his phone out.

"Ok, it may be Hammer Tech, but it's probably heavily armored, and I didn't bring any high explosive arrows," Barton pointed out from the corner the three were hidden behind. "Luckily, it hasn't seen us yet. Maybe we should go in another direction?"

"We can do that," Peter said before turning to his phone. "Yes, I'm sure it's a giant robot. It's at least Hulk sized. You only want bigger than the Hulk? Then, you'll have to wait for another day. And, stalk Hammer yourself. I'm quitting. I thought so." Hanging up his phone, he gave a wide grin to the other two. "The boyfriend will be right here."

"Why did you call Deadpool? We can get out another way and bypass the robot," Barton pointed out.

"I promised him that if I ever came across a giant robot, I'd let him play. He has a thing for robots," Peter replied with a shrug, wide grin still on his face.

"Darling, I'm here!" A voice called out from the front doors. "And, I must say, the security on those doors is pathetic. The building is supposed to be in lockdown. Where are the bulletproof shields, the magnetic locks, the automatic turrets? Oh, hello robot guy! Can we play?"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh, Justin Hammer… How inept can you be??
> 
> The random caller ringtone for Peter’s phone is my ringtone. It’s Yoda saying “You’re phone is ringing. Answer it you must, it is your destiny!”
> 
> Deadpool’s ringtone was going to be Tukan Tukan Tun by Daler Mehndi. But, I just couldn’t get it to work in writing, which is why it became a dull vibration in the pocket...


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yes, this just became 3 chapters. But, no waiting, because I wrote chapter three before I finished chapter two.

"Have fun!" Peter called out before jogging off in another direction. After a few feet, he paused and turned to Stark and Barton. "Coming? If you want to watch, I'm sure we can hack the security feed later. The lobby and top floor are the only levels where the cameras work."

"What!?" Barton exclaimed. "I've been sneaking around, disabling cameras for nothing?"

Peter shrugged. "Hammer really likes to cut corners. If I didn't need the pay, I wouldn't have taken this job. Wade really doesn't like Hammer Tech. But, it's money. Or was. Oh! Reminds me!"

Turning to a nearby elevator bank, he pulled a lipstick out of a pocket and started to write on the stainless steel with it. Soon, in three inch red letters, the doors read, 'I QUIT! - PETER PARKER'

"It needs something," Peter muttered before adding a smiley face.

"You're insane," Barton stated with a shake of his head.

"You carry lipstick around?" Stark added.

"Boyfriend knew I'd get fed up someday and I promised I'd resign using a lipstick on a shiny surface," Peter replied with a fond smile. "Now, how about getting out of here? I'm pretty sure the front entrance is about to be nothing but..."

A loud explosion and a cloud of dust whooshing down the hall they had just left interrupted him.

"Rubble," Peter continued. "So, let's find another way out."

"And, Deadpool?" Hawkeye asked.

Smiling fondly at the yodeling cry behind them, Peter shrugged. "He'll be fine."

After a few minutes of searching, Peter suddenly smacked himself on the forehead. "How did you get in, Mr. Hawkeye?"

"Just Hawkeye, kid," Hawkeye replied. "Ventilation."

"It's Peter, not kid," Peter replied with a glare. "And, why haven't we gotten out that way?"

"I wasn't sure you could handle the crawling or the tight dark spaces. Stark here, I know can."

"Gee, thanks," Tony snarked.

Smirking, Peter waved towards the nearby vent. "Crawling and claustrophobia, I can handle. Let's get out of here. I'm ready for this shitty day to end."

"You and me both... kid," Hawkeye stated with a smirk. "But, let's find the vent I came out of. It'll be easier to get out if we follow my route in. This way."

A few hallways later, Peter, who was following the other two, was suddenly jerked backward. An arm wrapped around his torso and a gun muzzle was placed at his temple. "Freeze!"

Peter sighed as the other two men slowly turned around and tried to look non-threatening.

"Stay back and don't move. We'll wait here for my backup."

"Have you called back up?" Tony asked.

"What?" the security goon asked.

"Did you call for backup before being impolite?" Peter replied.

"I'm about to," the goon growled.

Peter suddenly went totally limp, throwing the guy's balance off. Reaching up for the startled man's arm holding the gun, he did a quick maneuver that flipped the guy over and to the ground, hard.

"I'm so glad I quit here. Security is a joke!" Peter exclaimed. "I didn't have to put the safety on the gun, it's still on." Handing the gun to Tony, he glared down at the winded security man. 

"You don't want the gun?" Tony asked as Hawkeye injected something into the goon on the ground to knock him out.

"I don't use guns," Peter pointed out. "But, since you used to make weapons, I'm sure you know how to use them."

A few moments later, they were at the vent Hawkeye had used to get out. "I'll go first, then Peter, then Stark. Stark, give him a boost," he ordered before jumping up and grabbing the bottom of the vent and pulling himself in.

Shrugging, Peter easily jumped up and pulled himself into the vent. A small grunt later was all the noise Tony made getting into the vent.

A glow stick suddenly appeared on Hawkeye's quiver. "Follow the glowing light," he snarked as he started to crawl away.

A few feet down, he paused. "Let me know if either of you need a break. It's only about an eight minute crawl, but for the untrained, that can be a long time."

Rolling his eyes, Peter replied, "I'll be fine."

"Me as well," Tony added. "Thanks for the concern."

Soon, they were in the car park attached to the building.

"Wait," Peter said quietly. "What about security in the car park?"

"There isn't any," A voice from below the vent called out.

Doing a shimmy/roll maneuver, Hawkeye pulled himself out of the vent and landed feet first from the vent. "Coulson." Turning to the vent, he reached up. "Give me your hands Parker, and I'll help you out."

Waving Hawkeye back, Peter contorted himself around so he was feet first and jumped down.

"Flexible. Deadpool must love you in the sack," Tony stated as he got out of the vent.

Peter glared at the billionaire.

"Are we considered free and clear?" Tony continued, ignoring the glare as the group were led by the man in the suit to a nearby van.

"Just the debrief," the man, supposedly named Coulson, replied.

"Good, then let's get that out of the way. I want to go home, eat, and set up a lab for Parker here."

"What?" Peter asked, confused.

"If you think I'm not going to get you to work for my company after today, you're mistaken. You may be a little nuts, but that's what's needed if you're working for SI out of my tower."

"Huh?" Peter blinked.

"Call your boyfriend, tell him I'll get you out of the clutches of SHIELD as soon as possible, and that you're going to be working for me starting Monday," Tony said before climbing into the van.

After they had entered the van and closed the door, Coulson stated, "If your boyfriend is Deadpool, and you're in what looks to be a successful relationship, you definitely have the mentality to work with Stark."

"Hey!" Tony exclaimed as the van zoomed off. "I think that might have been a compliment to me!"

"It wasn't," Coulson deadpanned.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Did anyone notice the subtle bits where Tony's brain is in overdrive about Peter being a tad more than he seemed? Yeah, I **may** do a sequel.
> 
> Then again, I need to work on my 'Deadpool's Dating?!?' sequel. It's four part in my head/in notes, but I need to write it out...


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A small Deadpool POV of the previous story…

'It's almost time for Petey to get off work! Woo! Sexy times! And dinner! Maybe sexy times before and after dinner!'

Hearing a recording of himself singing the Spiderman theme song, he quickly fished his phone out of his pocket. "Hey baby boy! Coming home soon?"

'Hey babe! Yeah, I'm going to be late tonight. You were right. My boss is the ultimate idiot. He had Tony Stark kidnapped.'

"Iron Britches is a dickwad! Leave him there! But, you're going to help him, aren't you?" Wade sighed.

'Yes, I do have to help him get out of here. It doesn't matter what that douchebag of a interviewer said when I applied at SI. Just wanted you to know that I was going to be late.'

"Want some help?"

'No, Wade, I don't need help. I'm sure there's going to be a few hours of questions when we get out of here, and I just didn't want you to worry. Love you, bye!'

He stared at his phone for a few moments before jumping up. 'I need to be nearby just in case he needs backup. Or a rescue from SHIELD. Or from a random passing brony.'

After putting on his Deadpool outfit and adding his full arsenal to his ensemble, he ducked out the nearby window, looked down to the ground four stories below, saluted the reading audience, then flipped over the railing. A few moments later, after a landing that made the judges go wild, he jogged off towards his Spider-babe's work.

Finding a good viewpoint from the roof of the building a few buildings away, he pulled out his phone and dialed the marinara to his pasta.

"So, was there a vibration in your pocket, are you happy to hear from me?" He playfully growled into the phone.

'Hey babe. No, there wasn't a vibration in my pocket, and yes I'm happy to hear from you.'

"Sure you don't need help? I can be there lickety split!"

'We've got SHIELD and/or Avengers coming to rescue us, so no need to come down here.'

"Are you sure?"

'Yes, I'm sure. I'm very sure. Sure enough that you need to go buy tacos for dinner.'

"Mmmm tacos. Alright then. Kiss kiss!"

'Bye.'

He paced the rooftop, glaring at the Hammer Tech building across the street. "Stupid Hammer and his idiotic weapons that don't work. I can make better weapons with playdoh. I have made better weapons with playdoh. And, why is Petey working for a company that makes weapons? Isn't that against his moral code? Maybe pizza instead of tacos? And, what's with Rollo being such a dick to his brother? Doesn't he get enough power without having to shove being a French nobleman in his face? Maybe since he's not working in the weapons department, it's okay? He's the only genius there. He shouldn't have to work for a living. Should let me keep him. Mmmm… I would be a great sugar daddy!"

His rant was interrupted by the Spiderman theme song from his phone. "Light of my life!"

'So, why aren't you buying tacos?'

Eyes wide behind his mask, Deadpool looked around. "I am! Rosalita is making them right now!"

'Uh huh... Last I heard, your favorite taco stand isn't on the roof of buildings, but at street level.'

"Are you suddenly psychic as well?"

'I have my ways.'

'You told me it wasn't a psychic spider that bit you!"

'Okay, fine. You were spotted by SHIELD.'

"Oh… if they're there, you're going to be okay then, right?"

'Told you it was fine.'

"Okay snookums! Bye!"

Putting his phone back into its pocket, he sat on the edge of the roof, crossed his arms, and pouted. "I never get to do anything fun."

He was contemplating going home, or maybe making Spidey happy by roughing up a few muggers, when his phone went off again.

"Yes, d'at ass?"

'Remember that promise I made that if I came across a giant robot?"

Perking up, Deadpool nodded enthusiastically. "Yes? Yes?"

'There's a giant robot in the lobby of Hammer Tech.'

"Score!" Deadpool exclaimed he rolled backwards onto the roof and jumped up. "How big is it? I'll be right there! Are you sure it's a giant? I mean, it's in a building lobby." He quickly jumped off the building and started to jog down the street, after shaking his broken ankle out.

'Yes, I'm sure it's a giant robot. It's at least Hulk sized.'

"Oh," he paused and pouted. "That's not big enough."

'You only want bigger than the Hulk? Then, you'll have to wait for another day. And, stalk Hammer yourself. I'm quitting.'

Giving a heartfelt sigh, he started to jog down the street again. "I guess it'll do."

'I thought so.'

Shooting the lock off one of the front doors, he sauntered into the lobby. "Darling, I'm here! And, I must say, the security on those doors is pathetic. The building is supposed to be in lockdown. Where are the bulletproof shields, the magnetic locks, the automatic turrets? Oh, hello robot guy! Can we play?"

Hearing Peter yell to have fun, he called back, "I will!"

The following fight was epic to the extreme. Acrobatic jumps, dodges at the last moment…

"You smeared grease on my katana!" Deadpool screamed in horror. "Oh, that's it. Giant explosion incoming!"

Reaching over, he pulled the pin on the grenade he had taped to the torso of the robot at the beginning of the fight. "Ka boom," he said moments before the grenade went Ka-BOOM.

After he finished healing, and took a selfie with the surprisingly intact head of the now defunct robot, he skipped down the hall to make sure there wasn't anything else to play with. Seeing Peter's 'letter of resignation' on the elevators, he pulled out his phone, told Instagram that no, he didn't want to use filters on his selfie, "I'm a hashtag no filters kind of guy!", snapped a few photos of the writing, and put his phone back away before going to buy dinner.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was so much fun to write!


End file.
